How to help an addict who doesn’t want help is one of the most frustrating struggles you can ever have. Addiction firmly entrenches itself in a person’s life, affecting thoughts, feelings, beliefs, behavior, and perceptions. It can be overwhelming, if not maddening, to come up against it. Addiction is a pervasive illness with pervasive effects, and it is not easily confronted. Any loved one of an addicted person knows this all too well.

An Addict Who Doesn’t Want Help is Tough to Deal With

Let’s face it – if you love someone with an addiction, you would have cured them long ago if that were in your power. You would have already said the magic words or performed the magic deed, that would snap them out of it. You would have instilled reason and logic into them, opened their eyes, and set them off on the right behavioral path – never to veer; straight, safe, happy, and sober forever.

What’s more, you have probably tried more than once to say or do the right things that would make all the difference. You’ve probably even tried various tactics – the calm discussion, the tearful one, the angry one… Focusing relentlessly on the problem, and pretending to ignore it… You’ve taken up the slack, smoothed things over and refused to do any of that… And, still, the addiction persists.

But if you live with someone who is addicted, and if you love that person, you still want to help. You may even still need to help. The question is, of course, how do you help an addict who doesn’t want help?

It Helps to Understand the Dynamics of Addiction

If you have an addict who doesn’t want help in your life, you need a good foundational understanding of addiction—what it is and how it works. This helps you better discern what happens in the addict’s life and better understand interactions. Educating yourself about the illness also increases your chances of helping effectively.

Addiction is a Disease

In the day to day of a relationship with someone who is addicted, it is tempting to forget that addiction is an illness—a medical condition that is chronic, progressive and debilitating. It is also tempting to think more simplistically about the illness than is realistic. For example, to those of us on the outside of an addiction, it appears that the person should simply stop using. We see substance use as the problem and don’t understand why an addict doesn’t get that using is a problem.

Denial is a Complicating Factor

Inside the addiction, however, things aren’t that simple. Any addict is apt to know at some point that using is a problem. If this awareness isn’t consistent, then at least it comes and goes to some degree. Of course, the core characteristic of an addictive illness is denial. One simply doesn’t see substance use as a problem. It is a perceptual problem rather than lying about a substance problem. However, denial fluctuates, and there are times when it is stronger than others.

Compulsion Controls Behaviors

Another of the core characteristics of addiction is compulsion. One experiences an overwhelming urge to use substances, even when there is an awareness of it as a problem, and even when one wishes not to use anymore. Compulsion is both psychologically and physically driven. It also contributes to the mystification an ‘outsider’ experiences when observing the behavior of someone with an addiction. Compulsion is tied into the physiological need for a substance to prevent withdrawal symptoms when one is addicted. It is also tied into the psychological need for a substance when one believes it is essential for coping.

Addiction Gives Rise to Negative Behaviors in Relationships

People in a relationship with an addict who doesn’t want help will have many difficult interactions. A person abusing substances will protect his/her use by hiding it, withdrawing from friends and family, lying, or being vague. Also, there may be angry outbursts, arguments, and conflict if substance use is addressed openly. Manipulative behavior is another common behavior in active addiction— often as a way to avoid confrontation and to protect and continue use. This could also be the onset of a dual diagnosis, which will only make matters much worse as time goes on.

What to Do If a Loved One is Addicted

There are many things you can do if a loved one is addicted to help them, as well as yourself. Additionally, they apply if the loved one wants help or not. Some suggestions are focused solely on your well-being. It is essential for loved ones to be as healthy as possible, so they can help an addicted loved one. Some suggestions for loved ones are:

• Keep an open avenue of communication with your addicted loved one.
• Don’t avoid the subject of addiction—address it calmly and factually, expressing your concerns.
• Limit discussions to intervals between episodes of use. It isn’t helpful to address things when a loved one is intoxicated.
• Research treatment options in your area and be ready to present them when there is an opportunity.
• Educate yourself about addiction and addiction recovery so you can talk with your loved one about them.
• Expect to have many conversations about the problem and going to treatment.
• Don’t blame or shame. Keep the conversation open and safe so it can continue over the long haul. It may take a lot of discussion and time. Build trust that you won’t be judgmental in a discussion of the addiction and need for treatment.
• Remind your loved one that you will support them through treatment and recovery if you are willing to do that.
• Educate yourself about the differences between enabling and supporting your addicted loved one. Eliminate enabling behaviors.
• Set limits for your own well-being and stick to them.
• Seek your own support from counseling and/or support groups such as Ala-Non, Codependents Anonymous, or Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families.
• Focus on your own needs and life goals.
• Maintain daily self-care for optimal physical and mental health.
• Learn and practice stress management techniques.
• Remember you cannot control or cure your addicted loved one.
• Learn the signs and symptoms of overdose for the substance used and seek immediate medical attention for your loved one when any occur.
• Learn the medically indicated withdrawal protocol for withdrawal from the substance your loved one uses and the specific dangers. Unsupervised and non-medical withdrawal can be life-threatening. You can discuss this with your loved one if there is an attempt to withdraw at home and seek emergency medical attention if signs and symptoms of complications arise.

If your loved one decides it is time for treatment, we can help you free of charge to find an appropriate treatment option. Not all rehabs are alike. In our consultation, we can identify your loved one’s treatment needs and clarify insurance coverage to make recommendations.