Overcoming codependency requires that you first recognize it – and that can be difficult, especially at the beginning of your efforts to heal. Chief among the difficulties in recognizing codependency is that the patterns are often deeply entrenched and long-standing. For many of us, the patterns go back to childhood. Consequently, a good deal of codependency can initially be subconscious. However, with some increased awareness, you can successfully address these issues and more.
The Basics of Overcoming Codependency
There are various definitions of codependency, and a good understanding is the foundation upon which recovery can be built. A very concise definition is that codependency is a helping relationship that isn’t helpful. A classic example is the partner who tries to help their partner who is struggling with addiction, but ends up enabling rather than helping. Overall, codependency involves a dysfunctional relationship in which one person receives support for any endeavor, and the other provides it.
Typically, such relationships involve a person somehow affected by an addiction or some other significant issue. In scenarios like this, addiction can prevent mutual support and emotional intimacy. One member of the relationship receives and the other gives. Were the relationship to be healthier, there would be mutual support, and give and take with both parties’ needs considered. In codependency, however, one person’s needs are more important than the other’s.
The Signs and Symptoms of Codependency
There are many signs and symptoms of codependency, and they occur in various realms such as in behavior, emotions, and beliefs. Some of the most well-known characteristics of codependency are:
- Poor self-esteem
- Caretaking
- Poor boundaries
- People-pleasing
- Control
- Anxiety
- Denial
- Compulsive behavior
All of these symptoms of codependency can affect relationships in a variety of ways, including:
- Poor self-esteem can lead one to enter relationships in which one’s own rights, needs, and desires are not important.
- Caretaking becomes a way of being close to others instead of mutual support and intimacy.
- Poor boundaries cause difficulties in identifying one’s thoughts, feelings, opinions, beliefs, and needs. Also, poor boundaries cause one to assume responsibility for the responsibilities of others.
- People pleasing results from poor self-esteem and the desire to be close to others and approved of by them.
- Efforts to control can be pervasive—attempts to control distressful feelings are typical, as are attempts to control the feelings of others, especially to avoid conflict. Also, attempts to control situations to please others, or to reduce conflict are common.
- Anxiety is also a pervasive characteristic of codependency. It underlies behavioral choices.
- Denial can be intense, making it difficult to have insight into dysfunctional conditions or dynamics.
- Compulsive behavior is driven by anxiety and is an attempt to reduce anxious feelings.
Addressing Codependent Patterns
Many people with codependent characteristics and relationships find counseling in individual and group sessions helpful. Often, they need help with immediate concerns, but also with long-standing issues such as those that occurred in their families during childhood. It is common, for example, for people from families with addiction to grow up to have codependent relationships. Children who experienced abuse, neglect or abandonment are especially vulnerable to codependent characteristics and behavior later in life.
Many also find that self-help groups such as Codependents Anonymous, Ala-Non and Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families are very beneficial. These groups are dedicated to recovery from self-sabotaging patterns and recovery involves gaining awareness of characteristics and dynamics of dysfunctional relationships and replacing those with healthier ones.
If You are in a Codependent Relationship Now
If you are in a codependent relationship right now, chances are your loved one is addicted, suffering from a mental health condition, or possibly both. Chances are, too, that you have been chronically stressed, drained and depleted, hoping your loved one would get the treatment they need, or that your efforts would fix matters.
Many have been in your shoes. It is an often overwhelming role and one that has both physical and psychological health risks involved for you. Living with anxiety, fear, worry, and depression, many people with codependency are struggling daily and suffering immensely.
Of course, your loved one deserves help, and if he or she is ready for treatment we can help you find appropriate options. However, you also need support and that is available. If your loved one does go to treatment, you will find options there such as family education and family therapy sessions. However, you also need to seek out support for your own recovery, apart from your loved one’s. The staff at any rehab your loved ones goes to can help direct you to help. You can also find help at any mental health clinic, as well as in free community support groups.
Recovery is possible and you deserve help and support as much as your addicted or dually diagnosed loved one does. In fact, the best way you can help your loved one is to improved your own physical and psychological health. That is a valuable contribution you can make to your entire family, and it increases the chances of your loved one’s ability to continue his or her own recovery efforts with the best support possible.
